I am writing about this tonight, at 4:30 in the morning because I can't sleep.
In a regularly scheduled Wednesday morning meeting today, I was informed that our team at work is being disbanded, for lack of a better term. I was told that half the team would stay on and work within the parameters of the team, and the other half would work with our home based team AND obtain another team to cover half our case load so that we have a full caseload (that last line may not make any sense, but it does to me). We were called down to an office, one at a time, and told if we were going to be in the children's program, or thrown to the wolves.
Looks like I was wearing milk bone underwear because I was told to get packing.
Now, I am thankful that I still have a job, I still have a way to pay my bills and provide for myself, my partner and my pug. However, the parameters of this job are still undefined and as such, I'm having a little trouble sleeping. I'm feeling hurt, betrayed, confused. I'm replaying multiple conversations over the last few years trying to figure out what I could have said that would lead my (soon to be previous) supervisors to think I would rather be on a home based team(s) vs. my community based team that allows me support and the ability to be creative, planning for support groups and camps and all the things that went along with it. My territory is going to be almost half the county I live in, and, with gas prices the way they are, I'm worried that I am not going to have the money to GET to work. As the senior member of my department that wasn't in any sort of supervisory position, I can't help but feel like those old eskimo people they put on an iceberg by themselves and shove out into the water to fend for themselves. While there are positive aspects to this (again, I still have a job) that I keep trying to tell myself, I can't help but feel royally fucked over right now, and it really hurts.
I'm sure that I will read this later and think, "What the fuck did I write," but I am exhausted right now and we were asked not to talk about this on facebook as there are other employees who aren't aware of the changes yet, and I needed to vent all this "out loud." Babaloo has truly been a wonderful supportive boyfriend (and did you really expect otherwise), and Rocco has enjoyed laying next to me and farting, but farting in a supportive way, I guess.
I will tell you all that my personal tragedy will not interfere with my ability to do good hair...
I'm so fucking tired.